With the tragedy that unfolded at Virginia Tech yesterday, more and more information about the gunman is coming out. Or should I say more and more statements about the fact that the gunman was an angry loner and little detailed information about him can be found are being released. While the loner persona seems to be a common thread when it comes to this type of seemingly random acts of severe violence, with neighbors always stating that the perpetrator often kept to him or herself, it makes me wonder what turns a loner, a person who generally enjoys keeping to himself, into a cold blooded killer?

Some argue that killers such as these are not loners, yet persons who try repeatedly to make friends and join social circles, yet lack the necessary social skills to achieve lasting friendships, failing time and time again. I can see how this could take its toll on a person, being rejected over and over again, yet to make the leap from unhappiness to mass murder, which is where I am lost. The argument about these personalities not being loners, those who prefer to be alone, but attempted joiners, those seeking relationships yet lacking the skills to make and maintain them, makes me wonder about my own adopted stepson.

He too is a child who holds resentment against women. He too is a child who lacks the necessary social skills to make and keep friends. In his fifteen years of life he has really had one friend for any length of time, and that has been within the past year. He too was picked on by the rich kids, put down and cast out from all of the different social circles until he ceased trying to fit into them. He also suffers from bouts of depression. While there have been times in the past where we did fear that he could become depressed enough to one day take his own life, never did we think that his personality would mirror that of a mass murder.

And while I am sure that there are many more facts, and details not yet known to the public about the gunman who went on a rampage at Virginia Tech, the whole thing just has me thinking as to what that last defining moment is. What was it that pushed this young man over the edge? If he could go years without close friends, why now, would it no longer be acceptable? What was that final push that made him wish to not only end his own life, but the life of so many innocent victims as well?

I am thankful that my adopted stepson has been able to make at least one friend. I am also thankful of the progress he has made over the years. Many years ago, when he was nothing more than a blank stare, when he was so angry that causing others pain was the only behavior that would get him through the day, I maybe would have allowed my brain to wander to the possibility such as the events that unfolded on Monday morning in Blacksburg, VA.

While he is still far from a social child, my adopted stepson is also far from the extremely isolated child, which he once was. Every time he has a sleep over, or asks to go out with his friend from down the road, a little part of me not only smiles inside, but relaxes a little too. With such a negative image and stigma placed on the typical loner who keeps to himself, it is always a relief when my adopted stepson not only shows signs of wanting more out of life than isolation, but is also successful in achieving it. While it is important to encourage your child to go out and make friends, it is also important to make sure that your child has the necessary social skills to do so, otherwise we as parents are doing nothing more than setting them up for repeated failure and pain of rejection, which in the case of the Virginia Tech shooter, was enough to turn him from student, to murderer.


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