Very young children may not be able to understand what adoption truly means, but they will be able to pick up on mom or dad’s body language, and if the parents seem uncomfortable, and nervous, then the child will feel the same way. Children should not feel uncomfortable about their adoption. It is part of them, and their life story, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. If the parents seem confident and upbeat, the child will feel the same, and have no issues bringing the topic back up when they have more questions. If the child feels that his or her parents are uncomfortable speaking about adoption, when the child does have questions, he or she will be hesitant to bring them up to his or her parents, sensing that it is not something that the parents wish to speak about.

While many parents wish to wait until the child is old enough to understand adoption, the truth is that very young children can understand the basics, and ask more as they grow. But it really is not until we are adults that we can fully process adoption, and even then it is still a learning game. There is no magic age when we can suddenly comprehend everything, and then simply be all right with it and move on. Many children whom are told at a later age feel resentment towards their parents for not telling them sooner. They feel betrayed and as though they have been lied to. Emotionally it is easier for a child to grow up always knowing that they were adopted and can ask questions as they get older and are able to process more, than to be suddenly sat down, and have it dumped in their lap. Waiting until they are old enough to process adoption on a deeper level, can put them in a situation where they get into process overload. It is like being hit with a ton of bricks, and is not easy for a child to work through. The child may develop trust issues with his or her parents, and not feel safe speaking about the adoption, which keeps all of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and fears bottled up inside. Sooner is always better. It does not have to be a big deal; it does not have to be the entire story, but rather an ongoing discussion throughout the years.

Below is a link to an article on adoption.com, which describes one mothers struggle on how to tell her daughter that she was adopted, and more importantly, when to tell her that she was adopted. If you are facing this question in your own life, I highly recommend checking it out.


Adoption: to tell or not to tell

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