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In order for a stepparent adoption to be completed, both biological parents must consent to the adoption. When the non-custodial parent consents to the adoption, he, or she, is giving up parental rights to the child, allowing the child’s stepparent to adopt the child. While 
some non-custodial parents are willing to sign over their parental rights, others, though not directly involved with the child, are not willing to sign over their rights in order for a stepparent to adoption the child.
Many times, when a parent is not involved in the child’s life, yet is unwilling to sign his or her rights over, it is spite that drives the non-custodial parent. Bad blood between the two biological parents causes the uninvolved parent to want the custodial parent to suffer, and instantly dig their heels in when the custodial parent wants to move on with not only their life, but to allow the child to move on with his or her life. The non-custodial parent is usually so caught up in hating the custodial parent that the best interest of the child never even crosses their minds as nasty phone calls, letters, or even court battles begin to ensue.
If a non-custodial parent, whom is uninvolved in the child’s life, is unwilling to sign over his or her rights out of spite, or anger, it is important to remind them that this is about the child, and not about the parents, or their feelings towards one and other. During contact between the two biological parents, keep on topic, about what is best for the child, and do not allow yourself to be dragged into old arguments. If the other parent tries to pick a verbal fight, keep your cool, don’t engage in the argument and again remind them that this is about the child, and what is in his or her best interest, and begin to explain to the other parent what that means.
A child needs two parents, a loving stable home, a safe and predictable environment to grow up in. A child needs adult role models in his or her life that can be counted on, through thick and thin. When a child has a parent somewhere out there, who knows of the child’s existence, yet remains uninvolved in the child’s life, it damages the child. It is traumatic for the child, and the child will end up blaming his or herself for somehow not being good enough for his or her own biological parent.
oh god that makes me feel so bad for my kid. her mom is “out there” in the drug world. 2 years gone and not a single attempt to contact my daughter. i got re-married in august 05 and we are in the most preliminary of steps towards having my current wife named legally as her mom. couple questions for anyone out there. im in illinois. what happens if we cant get ahold of the ex to serve her papers. should we tell her parents what we are up to? we are still close with them and they sit for my daughter at least once a month. i would tell them eventually but see no reason to involve them at this point. its not like we are gonna cut and run from them as we still like them and want them to be a part of our daughters life. any thoughts for me?
http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/illinois-legal-aide-site
The above link is to an article I wrote about the Illinois Legal Aide website, which should help you in your research. If you cannot find the biological mother than you can publish a public notice in the paper, after running for 30 days if the mother does not respond than the adoption can continue as though she has consented to the adoption. I have written articles about that process as well, further back in the blog. Telling her parents is up to you, that all depends on if you think they will support your decision, or try to fight you. If you fear that they will fight you, and the adoption is in the best interest of your daughter then perhaps it would be best to let them know once the adoption has been completed.