Along with the rejection of his birth mother, came a lot of emotional issues for my adopted stepson. Not wanting to become close with others who could potentially hurt him by leaving, or pushing him away, he became closed off emotionally. He did not react appropriately in social situations, there was no laugh when something funny happened, no sympathy when there was a sad event, there was in effect, nothing. He was nothing more than a blank stare for many years. He was so shut down that it was actually evident on his face that there was little more than a shell of a child there.

While he was affectionate when I first met him, the ultimate rejection of his mother walking away from him caused him to shut down, and he became extremely uncomfortable with touch. He did not wish to be hugged, and would even stiffen up for a pat on the back, it was evident that if you were touching him, you were indeed invading his personal space and he definitely did not like it. Hugs at bedtime were odd, he would lean his head into you, but back his body up, so you got little more than a dime sized bit of the top of his head touching you. This was all that he could give, all that was safe for him. While we understood his need for distance, and his need for privacy, we were concerned with the lack of physical contact that he was receiving.

There were times when he would come out of his shell more, and he would come up from behind, and dole out a sneak attack bear hug. He would then run off satisfied that he had been in control of the touching, and that there was no deep emotional moment in the midst of it. Hugging* is a natural way to bond with one and other, especially with children, and he seemed to know it. Bonding after his loss was not something that he was looking for, at all. He was hurt, he was angry, but most importantly he was scared. He was terrified of suffering the same loss again, and was doing nothing more than keeping himself safe in his own eyes.

To this day he goes in spurts of accepting hugs one day, and shying away from them the next. When he is not in an emotionally good place, the times when he needs hugs the most is when, of course, he is the most resistant to them. He doesn’t act out, push away, or verbally object to the hug, he is simply extremely uncomfortable with the entire process. He will try to approach from the side, only using one arm and his traditional head lean, he will try to catch you when you are sitting down so that he can just lean his head in to say goodnight, and there are even times when he will hover outside the door, waiting for us to have our hands full so that he can try to blurt out his goodnights without having to go through any contact at all. The last one has yet to work since we always call him in, or ask him to wait just a moment, everyone gets a hug and an I love you, before going to bed in this house!

Getting him to be comfortable with himself, as well as with others has been an uphill battle, as well as an ongoing one. We have tried things that have worked, some have failed, and others have blown up in our faces. He is able to express more emotions now than he used to be. He is also able to show small amounts of sympathy as well as empathy at times, which is a very large step for him. Touch, and being comfortable with touch however, remains a touch and go process.

The hugging site
Good information, yet the site is done with frames which some may find annoying

lifepositive.com Research site on the importance of hugs and hugging

www.poofcat.com An easy read site about hugging

*Links to Coping.com


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