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Some may be stunned at the title, caught up in confusion wondering how on Earth adoption could lesson the quality of a relationship, instead of strengthening it. Well my friends, I am about to tell you how.
Often times when a stepparent comes into a relationship where their beloved partner already has children, there is a tremendous amount of pressure for the new spouse and child to get along as though they have known each other their entire lives. But the truth is that they have not known one and other their entire lives, and cannot simply be expected to mesh overnight into a tight parent child bond, and relationship. Yet the expectation is there, by the biological parent of the child, whom is hoping to see a magical connection between his or her offspring and their new mate, as well as by society, whom expects pretty much the same, assuming that they have not already written stepparents off as the awful evil stepmother stereo type from the Cinderella story.
With this immense amount of pressure coming at them from all sides, many stepparents go against their better judgment and do things to gain the child’s acceptance and friendship, rather than his or her love, adoration, and respect. The lines become blurred and the stepparent blindly goes about pleasing his or her spouse and society, or simply keeping up appearances, and does his or her best to win the child over, thinking that this will be for the best in the long run, when the truth couldn’t be farther from it.
When a stepparent does his or her best to befriend the stepchild (ren) it can, and will only lead to disaster. A child of divorce does not need adults to step up and be their friend. A child of divorce needs adults whom are willing to stand up and be a parent, regardless of how well the child likes them or not. While a certain amount of compatibility is necessary in order for common interests and goals to be formed and met, there certainly does not need to be an immediate magical bond for stepparents and stepchildren to get along well, and have a happy and healthy relationship with one and other.
With the uncertainty of where they stand in the eyes of the child, society, and not to mention their beloved spouse, many stepparents go out of their way to make sure that the relationship between themselves and their stepchild appear perfect. They say ‘yes’ when they feel the answer should be ‘no,’ they give in when they know that they should not, and seemingly do whatever it will take to please, and appease the child. Children, being materialistic creatures, as well as prime opportunists, can work this system like one would simply not believe, enjoying absolutely every minute of the production, while being completely aware of the motivations of the stepparent the entire time.
However this system will only last for so long. Sometimes the overly pleasing parent begins to hold back after the wedding, or adoption, feeling like more of a parent to the child yet other times, the actual sense of entitlement, and the claiming process does not kick in for the stepparent, after a stepparent adoption has occurred. When this is the case, it can be a terribly hard adjustment for everyone in the family. Biological parents are left wondering what happened to the relationship between their child and new spouse, the child left wondering where all of the good times, new toys and freedoms went to, and the stepparent wondering how in the world he or she is going to get out of the huge mess that they seemed to have stumbled themselves right into.
Once an adoption has been completed, many stepparents feel a gigantic sense of relief. Almost as though they have won the competition, and have no one left to fight, they seem to give up on the need, or the desire, for the child to like them. With the other parent out of the picture, and the child legally ‘belonging’ to the stepparent, many feel as though the ‘battle’ has already been won, and the need to keep up the appearance, or the adoration of the child is simply no longer necessary. And while that may sound harsh, remember that the stepparent has most likely been swept up in playing the who do you love the most game, for longer than they can now remember, and what started out as an innocent desire to be liked, has stemmed into a giant disaster of love me the most.
When coming into a child’s life with the intention of eventually being his or her parent, it is desperately important for the new parent to not compromise his or her own values, beliefs, and self in general in order for the child to accept the new parent. The child will only be accepting what appears to be the parent’s beliefs and personality, and if the beliefs and personality are not genuine it will only lead to heartache for everyone involved.
