Some families choose to have ongoing contact with a birthparent who has agreed to a stepparent adoption, but still wishes to remain either in direct contact with the child, or with the child’s family. This type of open adoption arrangement is very common now with domestic infant adoptions, and is catching on in the stepparent adoption world since in some instances the biological parent has been involved on some level of the child’s life for years.

While some parents are horrified at the idea of open stepparent adoptions, there are many different levels of contact, as well as ways of contacting each other that are very easy to deal with and beneficial to the child. If the non-custodial parent is not a danger to the child, and has been in the child’s life, even on a limited basis, consider doing an open stepparent adoption.

Sending letters and pictures to the non-custodial parent are a common form of contact for an open adoption arrangement. The pictures can be sent directly to the non-custodial parent, to a P.O. Box, or perhaps to a neutral third parent such as a family member or common friend. Letters are typical sent once a year, twice a year, or every three months. These letters can be personal and friendly, a brief description of what the child’s life has been like, or a detailed account of what has gone on since the last update.

Digital photo websites are another great way for custodial parents to share photos of the child with the non-custodial parent. The photos can be posted online on sites such as flickr.com, or photobucket.com, with a password protected account allowing only those who have the password to view the pictures. These sites work well for both sides. The custodial parents do not have to wade through photos deciding on what to send, and stress about getting them out in the mail on time. The non-custodial parent has the benefit of seeing many more photos of his or her child, without having to wait several months’ in-between new photos.

Phone contact is another form of contact, albeit a much less common one. Perhaps the non-custodial parent just doesn’t know what to say to the child when it comes to signing over his or her parental rights, or perhaps it is the custodial parents whom are uncomfortable with the child speaking on the phone with the non-custodial parent, whatever the reasons are, phone contact after a stepparent adoption does not simply seem to be a common occurrence. Phone calls can be spur of the moment, or scheduled events. Whatever is decided it is important that both side stick to the agreement. If the initial agreement seems to be too much or too little, then the adults need to discuss it without dragging the child into the middle. If a compromise of the initial agreement cannot be reached, stick as closely to it as possible! Do not cut off contact because you are having a hard time negotiating it.

The last type of contact that we are going to discuss in this post is going to be visits. In the flesh, live and in person visits. These can be for an afternoon, or for the summer depending on the comfort level of everyone involved, including the child. Many families agree to a visit once, or twice a year. These are usually a one-day, to a weekend visit, with the non-custodial parent either visiting the child at the child’s home, or the two families meeting at neutral ground such as a local park. The child may wish to have overnight visits with his or her non-custodial parent, especially if he or she can remember a time when the biological parents were married, or living together. If there are issues in the non-custodial parents past that would put the child in harms way if he or she were to visit overnight unsupervised, such as drugs, alcohol, or abuse then perhaps supervised visits, or day visits would be best. If the non-custodial parent has taken strides to overcome such issues, than visits can be agreed upon with a clause stating that evidence of such behaviors returning would end unsupervised visits with the child, for the safety of the child.

Many parents are also now putting clauses into open adoptions that state if there is no contact from the non-custodial parent for a year (such as the non-custodial parent failing to show up for visits, failing to call, or even failing to pick up letters from the P.O Box or third party) that the open adoption arrangement becomes null and void.

Do you have an open stepparent adoption arrangement? Are you thinking about one, or would you never entertain the idea, if so why? In an open stepparent adoption situation contact could continue as though nothing has happened other than a name switched on a legal document…yet would the adults be able to get along with the shift in power, along with all of the past emotions and feelings towards one another?

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