Stepchildren whom have been abandoned by one of their birth parents, and adopted later in life by a loving stepparent tend to have a lot of trust issues towards both of their parents, both biological as well as adoptive. Children, who have grown up always knowing their adoptive stepparent as mom or dad, can still have trust issues, but it seems to be less significant than in those who were adopted at a later age.

Adopted stepchildren can be reluctant to trust their remaining biological parent, perhaps blaming them for their other biological parents absence in their life, or out of fear of their remaining biological parent abandoning them just the same as their non-custodial birth parent did. They can distance themselves from their parents, often by exhibiting challenging behaviors on an almost consistent basis. This behavior not only keeps the child from forming a close and loving relationship with his or her parents, but also serves as an emotional test, to see exactly how far the child can push his or her remaining parent, before he or she too decides to abandon the child.

Adoptive stepparents too, are often pushed away, and emotionally tested beyond belief. Stepparents tend to receive more challenging behaviors from their stepchildren, in the child’s eyes adoptive stepparents have much more to prove than the biological parent does, and therefore are tested much more often. Since many abandoned children have very low self esteem and self worth, they tend to believe that their remaining biological parent must, on some level, love them simply because they are related and the parent is required to love the child, but the adoptive stepparent has no reason to have to love them since there is no biological connection, and are therefore seen as a larger threat for emotionally hurting the child by abandoning them. This logic causes the child to push the stepparent away, and reject him or her, before the adoptive stepparent has the chance to reject the child.

In some cases, the child may purposely be cold and cruel to one parent, often the stepparent, only when the two are alone, and sweet and respectful to the adoptive stepparent when others are around. This behavior is done in order to alienate the adoptive stepparent from others in the family, as well as to discredit them in the eyes of the other adults in the stepparent’s life. If the adoptive stepparent is often complaining about the behavior of their adopted stepchild, yet no one else sees such behavior from the child, many tend to conclude that it is the adoptive stepparent who is not accepting the child, instead of it being the child who is rejecting the adoptive stepparent.

Stepchildren often use this tactic of secret rejection as a way to come between the biological parent and the adoptive stepparent. Without a strong relationship with good communication and trust, the marriage will suffer greatly and in many cases crumble. The biological parent will want to defend his or her child from a seemingly constant negative attitude from the adoptive stepparent. The biological parent must be willing to stand by his or her spouse, and show the child that the adults are a united front, and that the child’s actions are not going to come between the two, in order for the child to give up on this particular tactic. If there are disagreements between the parents, then it is imperative that they do not air them in front of the child, as this will only fuel the behavior, and escalate the situation.

It can take years to win over the trust of an abandoned child, and few families accomplish gaining that trust without the help of a professional. It takes a very strong person, one who is willing to be an emotional punching bag for an undetermined amount of time, unless you consider the word ‘long’ to be a sufficient time gauge, to fill the role of an adoptive stepparent.


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