While my adopted stepson's attitude towards the end of the year holiday season has finally changed and he is now able to enjoy this time of the year, for many years we had to steer clear of many of the typical holiday activities that we had at one point enjoyed together as a family. The celebrations, the emphasis on family togetherness, they were all too much for him to handle and like many older adopted children he would act out negatively just prior to the holiday season, and it wouldn't really stop until after all of the festivities were done and over with.

There are several things that we have done in the past to help my adopted stepson with the Christmas season so that it was not 'in his face' all the time, and I thought I would pass some of those hints on to you, as we are officially in the midst of the holiday season, and I am sure that many older adopted children are thus officially in the full throws of the 'I hate this time of the year' attitude and behavior.

Go shopping alone. This can be a lifesaver! Going to crowded store after crowded store hemming and hawing over the perfect gift while seasonal decorations and music bombard your every move can be quite overwhelming for children whom have abandonment and trauma issues. Out in the stores there is no escape from the season, and this can lead to high anxiety and melt downs. Save yourself the trouble and do your shopping alone. If your adopted stepchild has things that he or she needs to buy for siblings, peers, or family members you can find out what they would like to get and just pick it up for them, or do both the picking out as well as the picking up if your child either doesn't know what to get for others, or cannot handle picking items out.

Keep household decorations to a minimum. For a few years we did not decorate the outside of our home at all. We had a few nicknacks that we placed around the house and put up a Christmas tree, but other than that our house was as normal as ever. If you do like decorating for Christmas, or any other winter holiday, just make sure that the entire house is not decorated, the child needs somewhere to go where the reminders of the season are not staring him or her in the face.

Give the child a choice of participation. Now I understand that some family traditions are non-negotiable, and everyone is going to have to play along like it or not, but when there is a child in the home who doesn't hold the holiday spirit in his or her heart due to their heart being overwhelmed with anger, loss, and grief, exceptions need to be made, otherwise fits will be had! While everyone may need to participate in the opening of gifts, perhaps the child can sit out on decorating the Christmas tree, or the house. While it is always nice to have everyone do the activity as a family, you want the child to want to help out, not do it simply because he or she is being forced to. The child may comply with helping out, but his or her behavior, and or productivity may be less than desirable during the process.

Don't overbook the holiday season. Again, older adopted children need to have an escape from the holiday season, and all of the reminders it brings, so dragging them from holiday party to holiday party is just a recipe for disaster. Times when feelings and emotions are running high and behavior is usually not up to par, and not the best times to constantly take your child out of his or her comfort zone.

Don't overwhelm the child with too many gifts. Children who struggle with abandonment issues often struggle with low self esteem and low self worth as well. Feeling as though they do not deserve the basics in life because they were rejected by their non-custodial parent, the child may also have a hard time accepting that all of the gifts that he or she received for the holidays are deserved as well, and may intentionally destroy them.

Incorporate the memory of your child's birth parent into the holidays. If your child has a hard time with grieving the loss of their birth parent during the holiday season, you can do your best to include the memory of the child's birth parent into your holiday traditions. Perhaps the child can write out a card for their birth parent and keep it in a special place, or light a candle each night in honor or memory of the parent that is no longer in the child's life.

Keep your expectations low. The holidays are an emotional time, and when children are still processing their grief over past events that they had no control over, not even they are going to be able to predict what their reactions and their behavior are going to be like during this time of the year. Pushing them to enjoy the holidays when they are not ready to do so yet will only lock the two of you into power struggles, arguments, and a rotten holiday season.