While it is important for the adopted stepchild and the adoptive stepparent to form a secure bond and a stable, loving, parent child relationship, it is also very important to make sure that the child still has, or forms a strong relationship with the remaining biological parent. With being abandoned by one biological parent, it is important for the child to feel secure in their relationship with the remaining biological parent.

Children who have been abandoned by their parent, especially those who did, at some point, have some sort of relationship with the abandoning parent, that they can still recall, are extremely insecure when it comes to forming, and keeping relationships. They are in constant fear that they will not be good enough, they are not loveable, and that they will be left again, by either the remaining biological parent, or by the adoptive stepparent. Oddly enough, the child may feel more secure in their relationship with the adoptive stepparent since the adoptive stepparent took the steps to “choose” the child and make him or her, their own legal child. But, by having been left behind by one biological parent, can instill a constant fear in the child that the remaining biological parent will too, tire of the child, and wish to leave, or get rid of, the child. While the child’s fears may be unfounded, having a very loving biological parent, it is a very real, and very frightening fear for the child. These fears will need to be addressed and reassured by the parents, before the child can relax and feel secure enough to let a true bond form with the remaining biological parent.

Stepping back at times, as the adoptive stepparent, and letting the child and the biological parent have some special time together, will help to reassure the child that the remaining biological parent still cares for, and loves the child, and is interested in maintaining a relationship with the child. It is important for the parents, both biological and adoptive, to tell the child comments that let him or her know that he or she is a loved, wanted, and a valued member of the family. Some stepchildren, and adopted stepchildren often have a hard time feeling as though they “belong” in the family. By reassuring the child with comments such as “ I am so glad that you are my child,” or “ our family just wouldn’t be the same without you here,” will go a long way in assuring the adopted stepchild that he or she is loved and wanted by both of his or her parents, both adoptive and biological. Seize the little moments when they come up, to make a little comment to the child, and you will see a glow on the child’s face that will let you know that he or she really appreciates hearing such words, and truly needsto hear them, in order to continue to feel safe and secure in the family setting, and his or her relationships with both parents.

In time, as the child is reassured by both the adoptive stepparent, and the remaining biological parent, his or her fears about being abandoned all over again, by another of of his or her parents, will fade. That is not to say that those fears will not flare up from time to time. During those times, it is important to show the child a little extra attention, and love. With that extra reassurance during those times, the child will again begin to feel safe and secure, and the episodes of fear of abandonment by another parent will begin to fade away.

If the child begins to withdraw into his or herself, and pull away from the family, chances are that he or she is feeling insecure, and as though he or she does not belong in the family. During these times, it is important to honor the child’s need for space, while still trying to pull him or her back towards the family and out of their world of fear. Inviting the child to play a board game, or going out for ice cream, and taking small slow steps will help to gently pull the child back into the family, at a pace that still honors the child's need for space, as well as letting the child feel as though he or she still has some control over the situation. Switching off between the biological parent and the adoptive stepparent during these times of withdrawal, to see who the child responds more willingly to, will let the parents know which relationship it is, that the child is feeling more insecure about. Once that is established, it is very important for that particular parent to make an extra effort with the child to show the child that the relationship is not in jeopardy, and that the child is still a loved, and a valued member of the family.