“She’s His Stepmother…”

With about eleven years between us, and myself being considered young for a parent, friends and sometimes family often find themselves stumbling for an explanation when introducing me to those whom have already met my adoptive stepson. While I believe they are trying to save me the hassle, or perhaps embarrassment of either trying to explain the situation, or feeling as though they are relieving me of being judged harshly once people do the math and come to the conclusion that I would have had to have been about eleven years old when my adoptive stepson was born, I still find it interesting (while also getting a twing in my gut) that it is the stepparent title that seems to stick, and the adoption never recognized.

What many don’t seem to understand is that I do not feel as though I owe anyone an explanation about my children. I do not feel a rush to tell almost strangers about the trials and trauma that my family has endured; I do not care what people label be as, or how harshly they wish to judge me by coming, or jumping for that matter, to their own conclusions. Yet when a statement comes out, one such as the title of this article, I do find myself ready to explain, not the entire story, but to set the record straight. I am no longer a stepmother. I am an adoptive stepmother, an adoptive mother, a mother. The age difference means nothing more to me than the wonderful ability to put myself into his shoes, since it was not all that long ago that I stood in a similar pair. The only thing I am quick to explain one a comment such as the one mentioned above slips out of someone’s mouth, is simply that I used to be his stepmother, then I adopted him, and now I am his mother.

While I find it touching that close friends and family wish to protect me from harsh judgment, I never mind a challenge, and quite frankly someone whom would be so quick to judge, or jump to conclusions, is not a person that I would find to be very high up on the potential friends list.

Just this weekend I found myself explaining that I am not, in fact, a stepparent, but an adoptive parent, something that has not come up in quite a long time in casual conversation. Being that our adoption anniversary is coming up this week, I find it interesting that the issue would arise now. Almost as if life was reminding me of how proud that I am of being not simply an adoptive parent, but his adoptive parent. The comment stopped me in my tracks enough to sit and reflect later on that evening about how proud I am to be his mom, how happy I am to be his mom, and how lucky I am to be his mom.

While the comment upset me at first, making me feel defensive, later I realized how grateful I was that it came up, as it really made me reflect on how much I love my son, and how thrilled I am that I had the opportunity to adopt him. I am proud of my title, and my defensiveness seems to be derived from feeling as though it is being taken away from me when others refer to me as simply a stepparent. While stepparents are parents too, and I do not wish to take anything away from the hard role that stepparents have to play in life, I worked hard to become an adoptive stepparent, I worked hard to blend my family, to rise above emotional and behavioral issues, and navigate the legal system to adopt my son.

Perhaps the next time you face a comment that seems to take away from your title as a parent, instead of becoming defensive or upset about it, take the time to realize where that anger is coming from, and turn it around. Relish in the fact that you feel so much love for your child that you hold the title of mom or dad so dear to your heart.

Photo Credit yotophoto.com

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