e-mail
It takes a lot to parent a traumatized child. They need more second chances, more reminders, more guidance, more structure, you name it, and they simply require more of it. It can be hard for parents to keep pouring themselves into a child, especially when the child seems to go out of his or her way to make sure that absolutely no progress is seen being made, if its actually being made at all. With traumatized children being slow to trust it can be hard initially to spot any progress in the child being made at all, as they do their best to thwart any forward motion from occurring at all.
There was a time when my adopted stepson was like a vortex, sucking the very life out of the family. Everything was centered on him, his needs, his issues, and his problems. The problem was that we seemed to be the only ones who were concerned, as he was just fine with whom he was. At least that is the front that he put on, resisting and refusing to change at every opportunity afforded to him. The times where we as parents were doing all that we could to do things differently, meet in the middle, and essentially bend over far enough backwards to kiss our own derrieres, while he absolutely refused to give an inch were the most frustrating. We were always left exasperated at the end of the day feeling like, if he just doesn’t care, then why in the world are we driving ourselves insane?
Yet he did care, somewhere inside, and even though he didn’t want us to, we knew it. He wanted to see if we would give up on him just as his mother had did, we were not yet trusted enough to have good solid advice, he was sticking with the behavior that he knew, and perhaps one day we would be ‘safe’ enough to have advice worth taking. We never gave up, despite how many times we were drained enough emotionally to entertain the fantasy of throwing in the towel.
Over the years he has learned to understand jokes and sarcasm. He has learned to let go of his anger, and not dig his heels in instantly when someone offers some advice. He still doesn’t take it most of the time, but he is willing to listen to a new idea or two, which is a step in the right direction. He has also come to see just the tip of how much we love and care for him, he is beginning to appreciate the things that are done for him and actually recognize the effort that has been put forth behind it.
Just yesterday, as we were coming home from dropping his friend off at home from their sleepover, I must have gotten a sincere thank you about five times. He had taken some time to actually think about everything that had gone into the overnight stay on my part; the convincing of Dad, the food shopping for extra snacks, the surprise pizzas for dinner, the games and movies, the keeping Dad away during the sleepover, and waking up early in the morning to drive the boy back home again the next day. And not only had he thought about it, he processed it, and he appreciated it!
While it can be hard to keep your momentum going when dealing with children who have had unstable pasts, reminding yourself of how wonderful it will feel when those little moments of payoff come can help to keep you focused and strong on the long road ahead of you. I was tickled to hear the appreciation in his voice, mixed in with the excitement and happiness of what can only be called a successful sleepover!
