As my adopted stepson continues to grow up before my very eyes, despite my best efforts at whining at the world to slow down just a little and let him enjoy being a child just a little bit longer, I find myself thinking a little bit more about his birthmother, and if and when he will decide to search for her before he is grown and out of the house.

While he currently has no interest in locating her, that may one day change, and both my husband and I are ready to support him in whatever decision he makes, we just want to make sure that we support him in the right way, and not step on his toes by trying to help him when our help is not wanted, or make him feel as though he has been left to search on his own, when he really needs someone there with him every step of the way to lean on and help guide him through the process.

Some children may be quite happy to have their family help in their search for their birth parent, while other children may feel that searching is something that they need to do all on their own, without their family involved at all. But how do you know what decision is the best one for your child, especially if he or she has a hard time with opening up and sharing their thoughts and emotions about painful issues and memories?

First and foremost, start with talking to your child. If you know that he or she is not going to volunteer information, that's okay you can do most of the talking and the child can answer with 'yes,' or 'no,' which is a common form of communication when it comes to dealing with teenagers anyway. Rarely chomping at the bit to get involved in heavy emotionally charged conversations, most older children tend to clam up when talking to their parents, so it's okay for the parents to do the heavy lifting of the conversation, and leave the easy stuff to the kids. See if you child has been thinking about their birth parent, are they thinking about him or her more than usual, and how are they feeling when they do think about their birth parent, mad, sad, happy, curious?

Pay attention to your child's behavior and actions both before and after the talk about the child's absent parent. Does he or she seem to be doing well, or are those tell tale signs of stress rearing their ugly head? While children whom have been traumatized may have a hard time sharing how they feel with words, they make up for it with a wonderful talent to let the world know how they are feeling through their actions. If your child seems to be showing signs of being stressed out, then he or she may not be ready to search quite yet. Try backing off about their birth parent and see if their behavior improves and if they settle back down. If your child is not exhibiting any major signs of stress, then chances are that he or she is ready to search for the absent parent, but may need some guidance as to how to go about starting.

It is important to remember that even the best prepared child or young adult is going to be nervous and stressed about finding their birth parent, and parents should not scrap searching altogether just because they see some signs of stress in their child. If the stress is interfering with the child's day to day life, then it is an issue, and searching may need to be put on hold, if the child is simply dealing with the many emotions that go along with such a major event, and becoming stressed out at times, that is just a natural part of such an emotional process and searching can and should continue.