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Emotionally damaged children can, and often do, close themselves off, not wanting to let 
others in for fear of getting hurt all over again. Doing their best to keep others out so as not to bond again and risk the pain of rejection, they can become extremely resistant to touch. Touching helps us to form deeper connections with one and other, to help us to connect with the world outside of ourselves, and to help reassure one another that everything is okay and that each is loved by the other. All of these emotions can be too great for an emotionally damaged child to handle, and they may shy away from touch, or outwardly reject it altogether.
In our own home we have struggled with my adopted stepson and his aversion to touch after being abandoned by his birth mother late in his childhood. He was actually abandoned by her as an infant as well, too overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a mother, she left a few months after he was born, and finally returned to his life three and a half years later, only to walk out on him completely when he was several years older. The turmoil of his relationship with her has caused a deep mistrust within my adopted stepson, and forming emotional connections with others is something that scares him greatly. He is deeply afraid of rejection, and often chooses to reject people, places, and ideas from the get go, being the rejecter, before ever having the chance to be rejected. This behavior has cost him many friends, as well as good times and good memories, yet it is safe for him, and coming out of his comfort zone is not something that comes easy to him, nor does it rank very highly on his priority list.
Concerned with his lack of connection with others, both emotionally and physically, we began to come up with ideas as to how to draw him out of his shell a little more and bond with others on more than just a superficial level. What has worked well so far, is giving hugs whenever something has been completed, much like you would with a very young child. When the dishes are finished (okay IF the dishes get finished!) he is hugged by one of his parents, when his teeth are brushed, after his room has been cleaned, once a game has been completed there is even a hug of good sportsmanship. Even after snowball fights this winter, when he is caught up in the moment of having fun, and for the time being there are no emotional issues, there is no fear of abandonment, but only fun and excitement, we took the opportunities to catch him in a quick embrace.
While we have never formally declared that a hug signifies the end of an activity, or an accomplishment being completed such as chores, it has definitely helped my adopted stepson to be more open to hugging and physical contact. While some may feel that he is too old to be hugged for such things as cleaning his room, these are things that he missed out on as a young child, and he still needs the reassurance even now that he is older. With the system of ‘a hug says you are done’ it allows an opportunity for a non-threatening physical embrace along with the positive reinforcement of a completed task, be it fun or work. While spontaneous “I love you” hugs that catch him off guard are still a little hard for my adopted stepson to take, he is always willing to accept a quick yet meaningful embrace after some sort of activity has been completed.
