This scenario happens to families who are preparing for a stepparent adoption on a daily basis. The family has come to terms with the biological parent bailing out on the child, and after being able to move past the emotions that go along with that have decided on stepparent adoption. Sometimes it is the adoption petition that sparks a non-custodial parents newfound interest in his or her estranged child, while other times it simply seems to be life’s funny way of throwing off our plan for how we wanted things to go! A non-custodial parent whom has been absent for often many years suddenly trying to come back into the picture can bring a tremendous amount of stress to the household, not to mention to the child.

The child is suddenly thrown into a loyalty battle that he or she is in no way of being capable to prepare for whatsoever. Suddenly a child who was set to close one chapter of his or her life, and begin a new one, has no idea what is going on, and on what sideline he or she is to stand. While the child may harbor ill, or resentful feelings towards the abandoning parent, he or she will still be curious, as well as excited to a degree that the parent has regained interest in him or her. If it is unclear on weather or not the parent will actually gain access to the child, it is best not to talk to the child about the possibility. It is not something that the child has any control over, and does not need to go through the roller coaster of emotions that the situation brings, if it is still only at a maybe level. If talks become more serious, or the situation does not seem as though it will diffuse itself in time, then it is time to begin to speak with the child about the possibility of seeing his or her estranged parent.

Often times, when a non-custodial parent is served with the petition to adopt, their knee jerk reaction is to seek contact with the child. Sadly enough, however, most often that contact dwindles after a honeymoon phase, and old habits resume, crushing the child yet again.

If parents hear from an estranged parent, who is now seeking visitation of the child, the best thing to do is to call a lawyer. Most have a free phone consultation service, and can give you legal advice for your particular situation. Once parents have looked at the situation from a legal standpoint, it is then time to sit back, and look at it from the child’s point of view. Would it be good for the child to see the estranged parent? Would it help him or her to heal, or would it destroy the healing that the child has already painstakingly completed?

After speaking with your attorney, and looking at the situation from the point of view of the child, and then from the point of view as the family as a whole, parents should be able to gage what is best to do in their individual situation. Sometimes it is best to deny the visitation, and continue on with the pursuit of a stepparent adoption, while other times it is best to drop the adoption suit, and help the child and estranged parent mend their broken bond. If the child is old enough, and mature enough, talk to him or her about the situation and what the child’s wishes are will go along way in helping the child to feel as though he or she is in charge, while still knowing that the adults have the final say.
And while it is perfectly fine for parents to talk about the child’s hopes and wishes, it is best if the parent does not drag the child into all of the details of the situation. Custody battles are a very intense situation for the adults involved, but it is indeed more intense on the children. They are the ‘objects’, which are being fought over, therefore in child logic; they are the ones causing all of the stress and unhappiness to all that they love. That is a lot of guilt to carry for a child of any age. So while discussing the child’s point of view and wishes are helpful to the child, involving them in the details of the battle, the ‘who’s’ ‘why’s’ and such should be kept to the adults in the situation. Children should not be burdened with issues that they have no ability to fix, and only the ability to stress and worry over. Situations such as these are best left up to the adults, unless the child is considerably older, and or will have to be faced with some sort of contact with the absentee parent.