When children have been traumatized by the events that they cannot control in their lives, their first recourse is often to act out as much as possible. With so much chaos going on in their lives, they seek control in any way that they can, making mountains out of molehills and digging their heels in over frivolous matters.

This can be very draining for parents to deal with on a daily basis, in fact it is draining for parents to have to deal with day in and day out, and can often lead to the parents doing absolutely everything themselves, rejecting help that is offered by the child, to prevent getting sucked into a situation of control battle after control battle, and little work actually getting done.

While parents may need to distance themselves from the child for a short time, in order to cool off and get their emotions back in check, closing yourself off to the child and taking on everything yourself will only lead to disaster, the very thing that was trying to be avoided. The parent will soon become burned out, and although they are rejecting the help that is being offered, they can easily become resentful for having to do all of the work themselves.

Not only will it affect the parent in a negative fashion, but it will negatively affect the child as well. Even though he or she is trying to push the parent away with poor behavior, the child is also testing to see if the parent will give up on him or her...how far can they push before the parent simply can't take anymore. If the child is going to be left again, he or she is going to make sure that they were in charge of the situation, they were the ones who made the parent leave, not the other way around.

By distancing yourself from your child, and refusing help that is offered, the child is going to feel rejection. Everyone needs to be needed, and if their help is constantly denied, or ignored, the child will soon think that he or she is worthless, and that their help simply is not worth having. Even when you know that the job isn't going to get done quite right, lower your standards a little bit, and accept the help that is offered, or ask the child to help out. Even if they don't do a great job at vacuuming, they still did it, and the room can always get another quick sweep of the vacuum once the child goes to school.

Let the child figure out how he or she wants to do the chore. Just because you do it a certain way, does not mean that your way is the best way, and the child will feel more in control of the situation, instead of being told what to do and how to do it, they are asked to get something done, and given the free choice on how to do it. I have a certain way that I like to do dishes, yet if I try to enforce that with my adopted stepson he hates to do the dishes and takes forever doing the worst job possible. However, if I just ask him to do the dishes, and let him do his own thing, he gets them done rather quickly, and still not as good as an adult would do, but he is not yet an adult so expecting him to have that standard would not be realistic. Quite frankly if I wanted it done exactly the way I want it done, I need to do it myself. But, if I just want something to get done, I need to accept the fact that it will be done in a different manner, and to a different standard. Sometimes that standard is close to mine, but often times...not so much.

It makes people feel good to be needed, and I have yet to meet a person who did not get that instant pang of importance in their heart and soul when someone uttered the words "I need your help," to them. So even when you know it isn't going to turn out quite right, perfect, or exactly how you planned it, be sure to let your child know, hey, I need your help, not just any help.... but your help.