Holidays can prove to be a very rough time for adopted stepchildren. They can often dredge up memories of the past, and the child’s pain associated with losing his or her birth parent. No matter how uninvolved the parent was, and no matter how great the adoptive stepparent is, part of that child is always going to grieve the loss and rejection of their blood parent. While you will not be faced with the child having feelings of rejection if the absent parent is deceased, the child’s feelings of grief and loss over the passing of their parent will still linger in their minds, especially during the holidays.
While it is important to honor the child’s memories and feelings about the past, you should not let old memories hinder the opportunity for you and the child to make new and happy ones. If you feel that the child is old enough, speak with him or her about what level of celebration they feel comfortable with. Ask again as the approaching holiday becomes closer, to see if the child’s answer has changed. The more stress that the child has built up inside about the event, the less likely he or she will be willing to celebrate and be involved in it.
But don’t go canceling plans just because your adopted stepchild is less than happy about an impending holiday. There are ways that the child can honor the past, while still moving forward and on with life. Since everyone grieves in his or her own way, it is important to speak with an older child about how he or she grieves, or to observe how a younger child grieves. Once it is known what helps the child to get out their pain, the adoptive stepparent has a new chance to bond with their adopted stepchild by setting aside some special time together to honor the child’s past. It is also extremely important for the remaining biological parent to be supportive of the growing bond and relationship between child and adoptive parent. The biological parent must always make sure that the child is prepared with gifts, cards, or whatever is appropriate for the holiday, for the adoptive stepparent. The more accepting and supportive the biological parent is of helping the relationship grow, the more willing and accepting the child will be in exploring a closer relationship with the adoptive stepparent.
When it comes to finding ways to honor the past, some families light a candle for the absentee parent, reminding the child that that parent still loves and thinks of him or her, but just does not have the capabilities of being a parent. Other families let the child buy a card for the absent parent, and let the child keep it in a memory box, to look back on when they are older, or just feeling down. And yet other families simply set aside a special day for the child the do nothing but grieve about, and remember the past. Once you find a method that works for you and your adopted stepchild, implement it into your holiday traditions. It will help the child to feel honored and more accepted into the family by having his or her feelings respected and valued on such a high level. In time, many children outgrow these ceremonies, or rituals, as the mature and learn what the true meaning of a parent really is.