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Many stepparents go into a stepparent adoption believing that once the adoption occurs, once the stepparent and stepchild are legally parent and child, their relationship with magically change into a completely harmonious one. These stepparents couldn’t be more wrong if they tried! A stepparent adoption does nothing more than change the legal relationship between the parent and child, it is the actions of the parent which will change the relationship between the two, both before and after the stepparent adoption occurs.
When a stepparent adoption is done truly in the best interest of the child, there will undoubtedly still be issues for the child to work through, but the family as a whole will be able to come together and work through the issues, it is when the stepparent adoption is done for the adults involved, that families find themselves having more issues than they thought they would, and more issues than they know how to face.
These stepparents become overwhelmed, and begin distancing themselves from their adopted stepchild. Not having received the magic transformation in their relationship with their stepchild after the adoption occurred, these parents are left feeling empty inside, they did not receive the desired feelings and results that they assumed a stepparent adoption would bring them, and suddenly the child whom they fought so hard to adopt, becomes nothing more than a reminder of the feelings that the adoptive stepparent did not feel after the adoption took place.
Putting their own needs, emotions and feelings in front of their adopted stepchild’s these parents focus their attention else where, essentially giving up on the child, simply because the parent’s own emotional needs were not met with the stepparent adoption. These sad situations that children are forced to grow up in, are why I constantly preach on my little soapbox about doing stepparent adoptions for the right reasons, and those reasons are about the child and what is best for him or her, not what the parents want, or feel would make them feel more like a mother or father figure to their stepchildren.
When the adoptive stepparent takes a step back from their child, settling for a superficial relationship, it only enforces to the child that he or she is not worth being loved and his or her emotional issues and insecurities will only escalate, which in turn tends to make the adoptive stepparent withdraw even more, again escalating the cycle and making life worse for all involved.
Adoptive stepparents cannot give up. They do not get the luxury of settling for less simply because they did not get the instant satisfaction that they thought they would by having a stepparent adoption done. The child did not have a choice in his or her life situation, and it is up to the adults to suck it up, time and time again, and do their best to form a warm, loving, and trusting relationship with their adopted stepchild. No, you cannot force a child to accept your love, and return it, but what you can do is show your child time and time again that no matter what they do, you will continue to try to break through those emotional walls and form a deep bond with them.
Stepping back and simply throwing in the towel because times got rough, or because you didn’t get the feeling that you thought you would after legally adopting your stepchild is simply not an option. It is not fair to the child, and it is quite frankly a selfish act on the part of the adoptive stepparent. Continually doing your best and coming up short, is not failure, it is simply still a work in progress…throwing in the towel and settling because it just feels too hard to tedious to continue, is not only giving up, that my friends is failure.
The adoptive stepparent has then failed their spouse who trusted him or her to love and raise their child as their own, they are failing the absent parent who has entrusted the adoptive stepparent to love and care for their child, they have failed the child by giving up, just because the child is having a hard time dealing with the intense emotions of the loss of their biological parent, and last but not least, they have ultimately failed themselves.
Julie, your statement that it is the actions of the parent that will change the relationship, is half right. Adoption is a two way relationship. If the parent adopts the child as his child, but the child does not adopt the parent as his parent, the adoption will not work. Yes, it will continue, but it will be a huge disapointment for the parents, they will realize that they do not have the power to do the part that only the child can do. More effort may not produce any change, some children can’t or won’t accept their new parent. An adoption that doesn’t work may indeed be the result of a very determined child. Your point about only doing an adoption when it is in the child’s best intrest is the key. Will the child realize it is in his best intrest? John
If the child is not willing to accept the new parent, the adults will know before the adoption takes place. If the child is unsure about adoption, or still has strong unresolved feelings towards their birth parent, then the adoption should not have taken place. Doing a stepparent adoption when the child has not yet accepted the loss of his or her biological parent will only result in disaster. The child needs time to heal from one event, before adding on the emotions of the next.
The child does not have to accept the love of the parent, but the parent needs to continue to offer that love to the child. Just because the child does not accept it NOW doesn’t mean that he or she won’t accept it later, but if the parent gives up, they take the option of ‘later’ away.
If the parent gives up on the child, then the situation is no longer one that is in the best interest of the child, making the child correct in his or her assumption that the adoption was not, in fact, in his or her best interest.