It can be very hard to get emotionally damaged children to open up and get their feelings and emotions out. When questioned about their feelings they tend to stonewall, and spit out short one word answers, usually “no,” and “fine,” and if you are lucky you will get the favored “I don’t know” with a blank stare, response.

Emotionally damaged children do not trust others. They see opening up as unsafe, which is why they are so good at clamming up. As parents we know that those feelings, emotions, and pain must come out, and it can be extremely frustrating as well as heartbreaking to see them cause their own suffering by not allowing themselves to open up.

The good news is that deep down, somewhere among the pain and distrust, the emotionally damaged child longs to get everything out, and no longer have to suffer with carrying around his or her pain anymore. With this knowledge, the parent needs to find times where talking with the parent, is the better option of what the child could be doing.

The time that I have found that works best for getting my emotionally damaged child to open up is bedtime. When he is faced with the option of going to bed, or staying up late (while still in bed) and talking. All children like to stay up late, and when faced with the option of sleeping or staying up late, talking seems like a small price to pay to the child.

You can start off just simply talking about the day. Diving into the heavy stuff right away may scare the child off from talking at night. Just getting the child used to talking about his or her day is a good start. Slowly he or she will learn how to open up about more things that are on his or her mind, as the child begins to feel the release of emotion after talking about a bad day.

When my adopted stepson was stressed, we talked while he lay in bed almost every night. He got to the point where he really looked forward to it, and it became our special time together. He would always start off talking about the day, but the conversation would soon turn to deeper issues about his birthmother and the anger that he had towards her. He would talk until he got sleepy, and then I would leave the room and he would drift off to sleep with a cleared mind.

If the child has a very hard time with opening up, another benefit about talking at bedtime is that you can turn the lights off. The child may feel safer when his or her face can’t be seen, the child may be ashamed of his or her emotions, but with the lights off he or she is free to express them without feeling stared at or judged. The darkness can also help the child to relax, as it will trigger the child’s body to go into rest mode, along with lying down. As the child relaxes more, it will be easier for him or her to open up and begin to get out all the pain and emotion that he or she has been keeping inside.