With Father’s day just around the corner, many parents are excited and ready to celebrate, but holidays such as these, can be very hard on an adopted child. With the media storm circling around the holiday, whiles stores stock up on every item for Dad’s special day, with advertisements everywhere you look, along with date reminders on everything from the internet to billboards, there is virtually no escape for the child, on what very well could be a very touchy, and in fact hurtful subject for him, or her.
Holidays such as Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day, or ones that represent family togetherness, can lead an adopted child to think heavily about his or her birth parent(s). If you notice that your child tends to act out, or perhaps become very withdrawn and ‘spacey’ when certain holidays approach, or arrive, then there is a good chance that the ‘phantom parent,’ whom is known by memory or stories alone, are weighing in heavily on your child’s mind.
Children may be apprehensive to approach even the most loved, trusted, and respected of parents, because they do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially those of the adoptive parent. If a parent is noticing a change in the child’s behavior, especially during the holidays, then the parent should ask the child how he or she is feeling, and if he or she is having thoughts about his or her birth parent(s.) If the parent gets a yes, or any hint of a yes, then the parents may need to be more sensitive about such holidays, for a time, as well as allow the child more opportunities to express his or her feelings about the birth parent(s) that he or she is thinking of.
Chances are, the stronger emotional reaction your child is having to the holidays, the more pent up emotions he or she has about the birth parent(s.) Emotions only become pent up when they are not given an opportunity to be expressed. Children who have been adopted need to be able to speak about their birth parent(s) as well as feel safe while they are doing it. If parents are still uncomfortable about the birth parent, the child will pick up on it, and no longer bring the subject up.
Parents must come to terms with whatever ill feelings that they are harboring towards the birth parent(s,) for whatever the reasons may be, so that they are able to speak with their adopted child about the birth parent(s,) without the child picking up on the sense of negativity, and hostility towards the birth parent(s.) Since the child, or children are part of the birth parent(s,) he or she will absorb part of those negative feelings and emotions inward, projecting them onto his or herself. This can cause not only a breakdown in the relationship between the child and the adoptive parent(s,) but a breakdown in the child’s self esteem, which can lead to a whole host of problems for the child.
While it is wonderful to have days where we celebrate our parents, as well as our families, it is extremely important, so important that I will say it again, that the adoptive parent(s) remember, acknowledge, and honor the fact that the adopted child has more than one set of parents.
