When it comes time to search for your adopted stepchild's absent parent it is important to make sure that your child is prepared for such an emotional process in their lives. Search and reunion is an emotional roller-coaster full of highs and lows, with enough twists and turns, and loops to make even the strongest stomachs queasy at times! While no one can be fully prepared for an event such as searching for and being reunited with a birth parent, it is important that your child is as informed as possible before beginning their journey.

Discuss your child's motivations for searching. It is important for parents to make sure that their child is searching for their birth parent for the right reasons. Reunions are emotional for everyone involved, and it is unfair to everyone if a search and reunion is done for the wrong reasons, such as the child being angry at one of his or her parents and searching out of spite because they think it will hurt the parent that they are mad at. It would be unfair to the birthparent to go a head with a search based on this premiss, the birth parent's emotions should not be used in such a manner.

Discuss your child's expectations. Make sure that your child has realistic expectations for searching for and being reunited with their birth parent. Sometimes searches can be a long and grueling process, turning up little information, so make sure that your child is not expecting results overnight. It is also important for the child to know that just because he or she is ready to make contact, the birth parent may not yet be ready to be in the child's life and may refuse the child's efforts at having some sort of relationship. Parents can explain to their children that some people need more time than others to process events that have happened in their lives, and that their birth parent may not yet be ready to have contact with the child, but just because they may feel that way now does not mean that they will always feel that way. The child also needs to know that finding their birth parent will not make everything in their life better, while they may get answers to the many questions that they have had in their heads for years, their are going to be more questions, as well as answers that the child was not expecting to hear. While finding their birth parent will help them to understand more about themselves and their lives, it will not 'make everything better.'

Discuss how they plan to make contact. Once the child finds information on where their birth parent is located, the decision must be made on how the child is going to contact his or her birth parent. Should they send a letter, do they want to make a phone call, or perhaps show up on their birth parent's doorstep? Talk about what the child wants to do, as well as how the birth parent might feel for each situation. The birth parent may be quite thrown off by their child showing up on their doorstep and shut down, whereas a letter or a phone call might be well received.

Remind your child to take things slowly. Reunions are a very emotional event on all sides, but especially for the adoptee and the birth parent. It is important for the two not to rush too quickly into a relationship initially, but to maintain contact and to give each other time in between contact to process the thoughts and emotions that are being stirred up. Sensitive topics and questions are going to come up and one side or the other may need time to process the questions or the answers before making contact again, and that is okay. Rushing into a reunion can cause a train wreck of emotions that bombard both sides making it too hard for either side to handle, causing one or both sides to retreat and cut off contact with the other.

Let your child know that they have your support. Searching for their birth parent is going to be a nerve wracking process for your child. Not only is he or she going to be scared about making contact and being rejected by their birth parent, once they are actually able to locate him or her, but your child is going to be insecure about your feelings when it comes to him or her searching for the birth parent. It is important for parents to reassure their child that it is okay for the child to search for their birth parent, and that they are there for their child no matter what!