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Questions are often raised over the fact that you must be married, and married for at least a year before the courts will allow you to adopt your stepchild. Many families dislike this rule, and want to know why it is that the law will not allow for the significant other of a custodial parent to adopt the child when the only thing missing from the family is the legal piece of paper that states that the adults are legally married. There are two stories in the news, sent my way by Julia ,that can help to answer this question.
Two small children, each four years old, were killed recently, not by strangers but by the men that had become involved with the mother’s of the children. Each child, one boy and one little girl, suffered head trauma, which resulted in their death. Neither mother thought that the man that they introduced into the lives of their children could ever do anything to hurt a child, let along end a child’s life. Both relationships were several months old, and in the case of the deceased little boy, they had already been living together as a family. Information from the families myspace.com page, as well as comments from family friends tell of a man who made the mother very happy, a man who was trusted, and a man who ‘treated [the boy] as his own.’ Yet now friends and family are shocked into a new reality, one that finds them questioning just how well they really knew these men, and what they were capable of.
These situations are what the laws are trying to avoid when it comes to allowing a live in partner to adopt their significant others child, instead of waiting for marriage. The laws are designed for the adults involved to have time to get to know each other, if they are not willing to solidify their long term relationship legally, the law questions why that is, and is wary about making the parent child relationship a legally binding one, when the parents have not made a legally binding commitment to one another. As the law sees it a stepparent adoption is forever, whereas a boyfriend, or girlfriend simply is not.
Judges want to see that this is a relationship that is solid, it has at least for a little while stood the test of time and that the adults are committed to working on their relationship. Adults are more likely to fight to keep a relationship alive after marriage, as there is more to lose in a divorce, therefore more to gain by avoiding one, than if they are just living together as a couple. Couples who have tied the knot are able to offer a higher chance of stability, at least that is the way that the law sees it. Couples who have decided to get married have also taken the time (hopefully) to get to know each other. They have seen enough positive qualities and traits in their significant other to commit for the long haul, and nothing that has made them go running for the hills.
Picking a new parent for our children is not a light decision, nor an easy one. It is a decision that should take quite some time and be carefully thought out. While it is impossible to avoid situations like the ones written about above entirely as a society, the laws are set up the way that they are so that we can greatly reduce these instances. Take the time to sufficiently get to know your new partner before introducing him or her to your child. It’s a lot easier to live with the happy outcome of a situation gone right, than with the guilt of telling yourself “if only…”
Too many tragedies.
Thank you for posting this.
Julie, you made some really good points in this article. People need to be so much more careful and discreet in their relationships and decide where they are going before involving the children.