e-mail
Many people on the adoption.com forums, as well as other places around the internet, ask this question all the time. Many times after a divorce, or failed relationship, the custodial parent moves on, and finds a new partner whom is involved in the child’s life, loves their 
child, and wishes to be an official parent to the child. While it is wonderful that there are so many people out there whom are willing to take on a child that is not theirs by birth, there are restrictions when it comes to how long the couple has been married, before a stepparent adoption can occur.
In most states the biological and stepparent must be married for at least one year, before the courts will even consider a stepparent adoption. There are a few states which will allow an adoption to take place after only six months of marriage, but for the most part a year is what is deemed acceptable by the courts. There are many families whom get frustrated by this stipulation. The families cannot understand the courts hesitation when the child has someone ready and willing to take him or her on as their own child, and raise and love them as one complete family. And while it is easy to understand the frustration of the family, one needs to take time to understand why the courts want the couple to wait.
The court is always looking out for the best interest of the child, and while yes there are corrupt people in the system, and at times the system does fail, the majority of the time things go as planned, and everyone involved is doing what they believe is in the best interest of the child.
No one gets married thinking that their new found love will one day end in divorce. When we get married, we believe that it will last forever, but sadly statistics show that forever is becoming quite rare, especially in the case of remarriages. The legal system is looking to protect the child from the emotional pain of losing yet another parent. While most marriages begin in bliss in what is called the honeymoon stage, things are not always so rosy for all couples a year or two down the road. What was once magical, solid, and loving can often times turn to resentment, anger, and shaky.
A year after marriage the biological parent may find themselves wanting to hold off on having their new partner adopt their child, or the stepparent may find themselves questioning if they truly wish to go forward with an adoption, and this is why the courts do not allow for new married couples to complete a stepparent adoption. If things were to turn sour down the road, the courts would rather that the child go through the pain of losing their stepparent, and not face even more emotional trauma of losing a newly adoptive parent.
As the legal system sees it, if the family wishes to complete a stepparent adoption, than in a year, if things are still going well, and the family still wishes to complete the stepparent adoption, then it was worth the wait for all involved. They are airing on the side of caution, better safe than sorry, type of thinking.
While it can be frustrating to wait, in the long run a year is not that long. If nothing else, the year gives the family more time to bond, to build memories and strong relationships, as well as having a goal to look forward to. By not rushing into a stepparent adoption the family truly has time to get to know one and other and build strong relationships, and truly decide if a stepparent adoption is right for them. Families, whom have lived together for several years before getting married, tend to become the most frustrated with the wait. However, if they waited several years to get married, what’s one more year before a stepparent adoption?
Years ago, my first parenting ‘assingment’ was being a stepfather. I would have given anything to have been able to adopt my stepson (I still feel that way).
My son’s birth father, if he relinqueshed, seemed likely to completely drop out of my son’s life. Its nice to gain a new parent, but I felt losing one was the wrong way to go. I became a co-guardian to my son.
What are your thoughts on the importance of not driving the noncustodial parent away? As the custodial parent, it is easy to want to blow past ‘the jerk’, and finally have him out of your life. Is that really in the best intrests of the child?
I was conflicted about that decision then, and I still am. What are your thoughts?
I do not believe that a custodial parent should drive the other parent away. If the parent is willing to be in the child’s life, and has the ability to be a positive influence on the child (not using drugs, stable homelife, and so on) then they should be allowed to be in the child’s life. I do have a section in this blog for non-custodial parents on how to stay in contact with their children and prevent a stepchild adoption from taking place.
Losing a parent is a terrible thing for a child to go through, and one parent should never force another parent out of the child’s life, in the end it is the child who suffers the most from that.
I just had some questions since I am currently going through this situation. Please allow me to provide a little background. I was not married to my daughter’s biological father. During the first year of her life, he was living with me, but he did not work, provide for her, or take care of her while living with me. He never provided for her while living with me and his daughter, such as holding her, feeding her, buying the necessities babies need, and I struggled to do it on my own. After we split up I felt so bad for my daughter because he moved back to his home state, and I tried so much to get him to have contact with her. I called him, sent pictures of her to his mother, and grand-mother and he made absolutely no effort to be in her life. He had a drinking problem when I was with him also, and used all of his money to support his drinking habit. I met my husband six months later, and from the moment my daughter met him she fell in love with him, and him with her. He took care of her from the very beginning, and she started to call him Daddy. She was two years old when we first got together. We got married and also have a little girl together. My daughter’s biological father has not been in her life, seen or, called her written her, or paid child support in 3 years. My husband and I have filed a petition for him to adopt her. I feel that this is in her best interest. I feel that if it were not to go our way and I explain all this to her, she is now 4 almost 5, it will hurt her to realize my husband isn’t her real father. And knowing her biological father, I know he will not be in her life that much, only when it is convenient for him.
What are your thoughts on a situation like this? My attorney is stating it is a case of abandonment, and a judge will have to rule since her biological father will not sign the consent for my husband to adopt her. He says he would like to be in her life now and sent a Christmas present this past Christmas after nothing in 3 years. I am wondering if you can also provide me the link for the non custodial parents on how they can stop an adoption from taking place. Or a link with other parents who have went through this. I am trying to do what I believe is in the best interest of my daughter. My husband and I love her so much, and we feel this is best for her. If you can provide links on similar cases or any information I would be grateful. Just wanted to know what others thought about this?
The part of the blog in which I was speaking, when I talked about preventing a stepparent adoption, it the section entitled, The Flip Side: Avoiding a Stepparent Adoption, and can be seen to the right hand side of the page.
When it comes to adoption, as with so many areas of life, honesty is always the best policy. It is better that it comes from you and your husband now, when she is young, and it woven into her history, than it comes from a relative, or friend thereof when she is an adult. The truth tends to come out eventually, and she will be much more devistated as an adult that you and your husband kept this from her, her entire life, than she will be at a young age, before she can truly comprehend what adoption means, what her true history really is.
While it can be scary for parents to reveal that their children have another set, or one other parent out there, hiding the truth from them will only result in resentment from the child later on in life when the truth does eventually come out. And even if you are lucky enough for everyone in your daughters life to keep your secret of her adoption, that does not mean that her biological father, or his family will not one day find her when she is an adult and spill the beans for you.
It will be easier on all of you to begin to weave adoption into her life now for her to grow up knowing the truth, than for her to suddenly be hit with it later on, or discover it on her own. By keeping it a secret you will only be hurting her in the long run. It it up to her to decide in the future if her biological father is truly worthless or nothing to her. By keeping him a complete secret you will not be protecting her, you will be hurting her. She deserves the chance to decide what he is to her all on her own, she deserves to get her own answers as to why he was not involved in her life. She deserves to know where she came from, her biologial roots, her medical history, any siblings in which she may have, and the reasons why her biological father gave up on parenting her. While the answers to those questions may be difficult, it is better knowing up front and learning more as she grows, that to one day discover that what she thought was her life, her history, to be nothing more than a well thought out, deeply involved lie.
Perhaps her biological father can have some contact with her, and the adoption still go through, that way he can be in her life ( as long as he is sober) and she still has the love and stability of her daddy. Cutting a willing parent out of a child’s life is never a good idea. If he is capable of being a good parent to her than he deserves a chance, better late than never. Maybe you can set up indirect contact with him through an email account, in which you send him update letters and pictures. But if he is willing to be a parent, and has his life together, and you cut him out…chances are even if the adoption goes through, at one point or another he will contact her and tell her that he got his life together and it was you who denied him the right to be in her life, and then it is not him, but you who will have to answer to your daughter, it will be you whom the anger and hurt is directed at, not him. Honesty is always the best way to go, even when it scares us as people, and espcially when it scares us as parents.
Thanks for your advice. I am not sure why you kept focusing on the fact that I have not told my daughter about her biological father, but that wasn’t my main concern. I never said that I was not planning on telling her truth, however I am not going to explain this to her now. I feel in a few years it will be easier for her to understand. She is only 4. When she starts school and when the time is right, I will explain all this to her. Her biological parent has not been or tried to be in her life after a lot of efforts on my part to get him involved. Only until he got papers served to him did he say he wanted to be in her life, but I know deep down he will not follow through.
Again thanks for the advice, and sorry if I took it the wrong way, but I would never keep anything from my daughter, and I wouldn’t wait until she was a teenager not to tell her. I never said that in my orignal comment, so I am not sure why you focused only on that. I stated that I tried to get him involved and he didn’t want to be, now he claims he does, and when I said I didn’t want to explain this all to her now, and her be hurt realizing her real father won’t be around, because I know he won’t be. Again in in two years or so I feel she would understand this better. I guess it all depends on how the adoption goes. Either way it goes, I know she needs to know and my husband and I have both said we will tell her when she is just a little older.