Even if the talk about abuse is separated cleanly from mitigation and extenuation, you still get to be the one at some point to pitch the abusive parent as positively as possible. John

- Faith

He did choose later on to write her off, but we wanted it to be his choice. He knew the bad, he was reminded of the good, and the choice was his as to which one was more prominent to him.

He had also suffered through many times of her trashing us up and down, which always left him in tears, bitter, angry, and resentful, so we wanted to make sure to be as neutral as possible towards her as a person, and really only have an opinion on her choices, as he was very sensitive to comments about his parents.

Great reasons or not, everyone always has one behind every action that they take. We let him know that she had reasons behind her actions, so that he understood that he was not the reason, nor the cause.

It was a very tricky line to walk, that is for sure! I am sure that there were times when I certainly could have been harsher, but at that time we had no idea that the situation would ever lead to a stepparent adoption, and were doing our best to help him to understand the situation, since there was nothing that we could do to get him out of it. Had her rights already been terminated I am sure it would have been easier for us to take a stronger stance, but since he would still have to visit her house, we had to do our best to keep things peaceful and get him to understand that yes most of what she did was wrong, but she did have good in her too, and maybe this visit would be a good one…

Once her rights were terminated it was easier for us to be able to take a stronger stance, but still not trash her. There may come a day when he decides, as an adult, to forgive her and try having her in his life again, and there may not, either way he has been given the most unbiased opinions possible so that he can form his own opinions and feelings about her, and not feed off of what he thinks we want him to do, or do what we think is the right thing to do.

When it is a stepparent, or divorce situation (as I am sure you know all to well John!) things can just get so sticky and complicated, and you can’t just force the other parent out of the child’s life, you have to make the best of what you have, which is what we tried to do.

Thank you all for your comments, I enjoyed reading them, and always enjoy hearing other’s opinions.

And glad to have you back John! I was just thinking about you yesterday wondering where you had gone off to!

“I also wanted him to grow up with compassion and understanding, and not just write someone off because they had made mistakes in the past…”

This is the crux of where I respectfully disagree. My sister would stand firmly in your camp, too, and we have found a way to respectfully disagree w/each other re: our mother. :0) My sister believes that, no matter what our mother did or continues to do, she is still our mother and, therefore, we need to stay connected to her in some manner.

I look at our situation differently. My issue is not only with her past mistakes but with her continued poor choices running right up through today. It is not like she had an “aha” moment, took responsibility, and changed — she is still the same manipulative woman she has always been. She brings nothing of value to my life, so why would I keep her in it? Then there is the added issue of her potential risk to my son’s safety, but I won’t go there for the purposes of this discussion.

It will be interesting to see where your adopted stepson goes w/this once he is an adult. I know many adult survivors of childhood abuse (including sexual, physical, and emotional abuse). Many choose to completely cut off all ties. Others choose to keep their abusers in their lives. I believe this is a personal choice that must be respected. It is hard to spend time with someone who hurts you on a regular basis, even if that person is your biological mother. It makes it harder when people judge you for removing that person from your life. But I digress . . . :0)

I truly respect the “tight rope walking” that you are doing, and it sounds like your stepson is getting his needs met, which is GREAT! He is blessed to have you in his life.

Take care,

- Faith