More often than not stepparents harbor ill feelings towards the non-custodial parent of their stepchild. Unhappy with how their child, and sometimes their spouse as well, have been treated by the non-custodial parent in the past, the stepparent builds up a lot of anger and resentment towards the person who has hurt their family so deeply. Hearing the personal stories of abuse, neglect, and/ or abandonment as well as cleaning up, and living with the emotional scars that are left behind in the aftermath, can leave large and lasting amounts of resentment in even the most gentle of souls.

Yet the non-custodial parent is still part of the childÍs life and history, and badmouthing the non-custodial parent is simply not an option. The child is part of that parent, and hearing how terrible that parent is, is also hearing how awful part of the child is. The child will feel as though he or she is destined to be a terrible person, as that is where they came from. So, adoptive stepparents have the tedious role of walking a tight rope between not excusing the hurtful behavior of the non-custodial parent, while at the same time not condemning the non-custodial parent, and often defending them as a person, however flawed they might be.

Over the years one of the most common complaints that I have run across when speaking with other stepparents; is that the stepparents are tired of defending and standing up for the non-custodial parent every time he or she has hurt the child. Two scenarios can play out after that complaint has been made. A: The stepparent is just letting of steam, and although he or she doesn't like it, they continue to do their best to explain the actions of the non-custodial parent to the child in the most understanding way possible. Or, B: the stepparent decides to put their own emotional needs in front of those of the child, and begins trashing the non-custodial parent, or more passively he or she agrees with the child when the child makes a negative comment about the non-custodial parent, instead of speaking with the child about why he or she would feel that way, and explaining the reasons why the parent may have acted the way that he or she chose to act.

If you are not ready to let go of your anger and hard feelings that you have towards the non-custodial parent, then you are not ready to be an adoptive stepparent, as instead of being able to raise your stepchild with understanding in his or her heart, you will be showing the child how to have hate and anger in their heart, how to hold a grudge, and that forgiveness isnÍt worth a lick, but that being judgmental is perfectly fine. While adoptive stepparents do not have to like the non-custodial parent, or their actions, they do need to be able to show the child the way to forgiveness and healing, and not the way to hold on to bitterness and anger, stunting their emotional growth. Parents cannot effectively teach empathy, the ability to identify with and understand another person's feelings or difficulties, to their children until they are able to achieve it for themselves.