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When children have been abandoned by one of their birth parents, they are going to be left with a lot of unresolved feelings, anger, hurt, confusion, and etc. leaving them with some degree of anger issues. The children do not know how to express what they are feeling, their world seems to be spinning out of control, and the child is powerless to do anything about it, so they lash out with anger.
These anger issues can manifest themselves in different ways. The children can become overly defiant, refusing to do the most simple of tasks, simply because it was requested of them to do. They can become passive aggressive, agreeing to do what is asked of them, and then purposely doing it wrong, or as slow as humanly possible, quietly pushing every button that they know their parent has. When a biological parent has abandoned a child, a deep scar is left, and that child’s ability to trust in another adult is going to be severely limited.
The child is going to use his or her anger to drive the new parent, or even the remaining biological parent, away. He or she is going to test the limits of the significant adults in his or her life, seeing if these adults will do as the abandoning parent did, and pack up and leave tiring of the child’s behaviors. Children cannot comprehend adult issues, they are going to blame themselves for their parent walking out on them, even when they are told it is not their fault, even when they have seen with their own eyes, and experienced that being with the abandoning parent is not safe, they will put blame on themselves. And at the same time they are going to put blame on the adults that did not leave.
The child’s anger cannot be released to the place that will give the child the most relief, and that place is the ears of the abandoning parent. Without them around for the child to express how much they have been hurt by their parent’s actions, the child is left with no choice but to lash out at those who are still around.
When children do lash out at those who are caring for them, it is important for parents to remember that the child is hurt, and simply finding ways to get rid of that pain. When a child yells out ‘you are not my real mom’ instead of reacting with anger and sniping back at the child, or punishing him or her, the parent can counter with ‘I am sure you miss your mom, this must be hard for you,’ or ‘I know that it hurts that your mom isn’t around anymore.’ Pointing out to the child that it is a hurtful thing to say is pointless, the child knows it is, and that is exactly why he or she spat it out. They are looking for the reaction, they are looking for the fight, and they need to release that anger!
By the parent not reacting, and putting the anger back where it belongs, by bringing up the fact that the child is upset over losing a parent can help the anger to stay where it belongs, instead of branching out and grasping on to any fight that someone is willing to engage in. While it can be hard not to react emotionally when hurt children are throwing verbal daggers, and parents may need to remove themselves from the situation before speaking with the child, remaining calm and not allowing yourself to be baited into an unnecessary fight or control battle, will go a long way in dealing with a child who has unresolved anger issues.
Great post.
Going to keep this one!
I am glad that you liked it! The fact that it was helpful to you completely made my day, thanks for commenting!